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2.11.16 Stanford project suggests longer, healthier lives are possible A Stanford analysis shows how to enhance longevity and well-being through healthy living, financial security and social relationships.

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What It Looks Like When You’re About to Find Your Husband

If you already know you want to take advantage of the Valentine’s Day special offer for 50% off “Believe in Love – 7 Steps to Letting Go of the Past, Embracing the Present and Dating with Confidence,” click here and put in coupon code VDAY2016.

Maybe you’re a football fan. Maybe not.

But 112 million people watched the Super Bowl last Sunday and a good portion kept their eyes glued to the halftime show starring Coldplay, Beyonce and Bruno Mars.

With such talent, showmanship, and money, you never know what you’re going to get from these musical spectaculars.

Katy Perry riding an inflatable shark?
Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction?
Prince playing a strangely phallic guitar in silhouette?

Alas, this year was relatively tame – until the very end, when everyone in the entire stadium held up colored cards that, from above, spelled out “Believe in Love.”

Many have suggested that this was a massive statement in support of same-sex marriage – all the colors of the rainbow represented.

Yeah, that could be the case, but personally, I think it’s a sign that I was onto something very big when I wrote my favorite book, Believe in Love.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re young or old, or black or white or Hispanic or Asian, or Christian or Muslim or Jewish or agnostic, or gay or straight or trans…

We ALL deserve to love and be loved.

I know how much love has disappointed you in the past – and I know how tempting it is to toss in the towel and resign yourself to being alone.

Just know that if the good folks at the NFL saw fit to promote believing in love to 112 million people, I think it’s obvious that it’s an idea worth considering.

And if not, it was one incredible coincidence that you got a televised reminder to believe in love during the exact same week of my 50% off Believe in Love sale. 

Now, let’s get to the meat of this important message, which is not about me, but about YOU. As much as I’d like to think I’m a good storyteller, I also know when it’s time to step aside and let someone else grab the mic. Today, I’m giving the floor to Elaine.

I’ve been fortunate to have had thousands of success stories, but, believe it or not, my greatest satisfaction doesn’t come from client engagements.

My purest joy comes from witnessing women grow and gain confidence, so that they are empowered to make better relationship choices on their own, without further coaching. Getting married is just a byproduct of that process.

So try to imagine my thrill when I received this email the other morning:

Hello Evan,

I have, just this morning, gotten out of a four-week relationship. I met Sam right at the holidays and we clicked. Had a wonderful New Year’s. Had wonderful dates. This morning, he packed his overnight case and left my place…and I am more than okay with that.

For the first time in my life, I dated with confidence, understanding, giving, tolerance, and complete acceptance. And you know what? It didn’t work with this guy. But I feel good because I did everything you teach in your posts and books and everything you taught me when we worked together every other week.

So what happened? Quite simply, he imploded with insecurity. He didn’t like himself very much and he couldn’t fathom how someone like me could possibly be interested in him. He did not understand what I saw in him. And really, he did need quite a lot of reassurance. He did not have much going on in his life. No friends here–even though he moved here 3 1/2 years ago. No real activities other than solo bike riding. Didn’t know how to cook a thing. Didn’t know to help with clean up. Was fairly passive and not proactive. Was shy in social situations. Didn’t read or travel much. Worked from home so didn’t have a lot of social interaction. More of an introvert.

But I saw a sweet, sensitive man, who had a good heart. He had a nice sense of humor and was handsome to me even though he was pretty short. And when we talked, it felt easy and comfortable. I went for quality things, rather than superficial things. And I am proud I did. Because not only did I focus on feeling good around him, rather than his bank account, I really accepted him as he was.

Even though he was more introverted, I did not jump in and take over. I hung back and let him lead, even though he was slow to do so. I did nothing and then said “yes”.

Now I have learned something even more valuable that you have spoken of yourself: You cannot love someone who doesn’t love himself. You cannot have a happy relationship with a person who is not a happy person.

So when he imploded this morning into a mess of “I’m not good enough for you”, “You’ve been too generous and giving to me”, I recognized it for what it was – his excuses to not deal with his own self. When he stormed around and said he was going to go, I let him go. I have no heartbreak or sadness. I felt surprisingly relieved when he left, and so darned good about how I did all of this so differently! I actually did the “Accept him in totality” thing and the “Do nothing and let him lead” thing. It feels good that I accomplished that.

As a result, even though I’m still single, I feel even more assured in my ability to find a quality man (although now I will look for someone that seems happy with himself too). I got back onto Match an hour after he left, and sent an email to a guy I had loosely emailed with over a month ago. We had talked about meeting, then I turned it down due to meeting Sam. He replied right away and asked me to lunch today. I am surprised, but pleased too.

Thank you for teaching me how to date with confidence, and to be giving and accepting in total. Even though Sam was the wrong guy, I know how much I did it right this time – and that has made me feel relieved he exited, not at all down or discouraged. If anything, I feel super encouraged.

Hugs,

Elaine

Let me ask you: have you EVER sounded this positive after a break-up?

I doubt it.

If you’re like most women, immediately after a breakup, you probably:

• Got really angry with the guy.

 

• Got really angry with yourself.

 

• Questioned your judgment in choosing men.

 

• Spent a lot of time venting about men and dating in general.

 

• Wondered if there were any quality guys out there.

 

• Decided to take a semi-permanent hiatus from men and Match.

That’s not what Elaine did.

Because Elaine had followed my advice, she had a much more positive and effective reaction to her disappointing four-week courtship.

• She knew she did the best she could do.

 

• She saw the writing on the wall within the first month.

 

• She let him go and didn’t turn back.

 

• She didn’t beat herself up for a moment.

 

• She got right back online and procured a date in less than an hour.

That’s how it’s done, y’all.

If you don’t handle dating the way Elaine handles dating, this is your big opportunity to learn how.

In Believe in Love – 7 Steps to Letting Go of Your Past, Embracing the Present and Dating with Confidence – I will help you drop your negativity, overcome your fear of being hurt, and bring your best self to dating – thereby attracting a high quality man in the process.

Believe in Love is a 240-page ebook, a 6-hour audio, a 65-page workbook, and three hours of bonus coaching calls.

You get it, during my Valentine’s Day week sale, for 50% off the regular price with a 100% no-questions-asked money back guarantee.

Believe in Love costs less than a nice dinner.

Its effects will be felt in your life FOREVER.

Even if you only get ONE nugget of advice that makes you view men, dating, or yourself differently, it is well worth the small investment.

Soon, you will handle dating like Elaine – poised, confident, optimistic and on a straight path to lasting love.

Click here and don’t forget to put in your 50% promo code VDAY2016 on the checkout page.

The sale ends on Sunday night!

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

P.S. Here’s another reader on why it’s so important for you to believe in love:

I am twice divorced (2 marriages under 5 years each) and have been dating for 12 years, hoping to find the right person to go the distance with, but always picking the wrong ones in the end. I am going to be 50 this year, on long-term disability and I really would like to have a supportive love partner, not just a casual hook-up or short-term relationship.

I had originally heard you speak on a Love Summit last summer and loved your humor and frank advice. I signed up for your blog & newsletter then purchased Why He Disappeared and Why He Disappeared Online. After continuing to absorb your advice, I joined FOCUS Coaching during your 5-year Anniversary and participated in the calls & Forum. From there, I purchased your e-Cyrano profile writing package and Finding The One Online and Believe in Love.

So, I’ve literally been eating, breathing & sleeping EMK info for about 9 months, all the while continuing to date several men I met both online & while out.

I met 4 guys in January and continued to follow your advice such as the 2/2/2, mirroring, don’t overthink, being the CEO of my own company, waiting until I had a boyfriend to sleep with anyone (a major mistake in my past), giving guys who I might never consider a chance and letting them know how much I appreciated them after each date, but being honest if I just didn’t feel we were a match.

Happily, I felt a great connection & energy with one particular man (Andy). After following all your steps, I had myself a boyfriend after 2 months. He is sweet, caring, giving, thoughtful, sexy and we laugh like crazy. He is also Jewish (I’m Christian), shorter than me when I wear heels (he’s confident & it doesn’t bother him) and a bit OCD with neatness (a first for me with a man).

Would I have considered him prior to finding you and all of your great advice?

Probably not! So, I have learned to let go of what you think you MUST have and go with the person that makes you FEEL the best. We are now at the 3 and a half month mark and going strong. He has asked me to go to Italy with him in the fall and is constantly “future-talking.” I am hoping that this eventually ends the way I want it to – marriage!

I am constantly quoting “Evan-speak” to my girlfriends who are dating. They tell me I should start my own relationship blog for dating advice to women. I just refer them to your website because I can’t take the credit!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Evan!

Jean

Jean has been eating, breathing, and sleeping EMK info for 9 months and turned it into a boyfriend who is taking her to Italy and talking about a future.

Wouldn’t you like to feel that kind of love and devotion?

I’ll bet you would.

Click here to get started and don’t forget to put in the promo code VDAY2016 on the checkout page to get 50% off!

The post What It Looks Like When You’re About to Find Your Husband appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Why Some Women Find Love and Others Do Not

Let’s just say there are four states of being:

Happily Single, Unhappily Single, Happily Coupled, and Unhappily Coupled.

If we were to rank them, from worst to best, I think most people would conclude:

Worst: Unhappily Single/Unhappily Coupled
Middle: Happily Single
Best: Happily Coupled

While we can argue about whether it’s better to be miserable alone or miserable with a partner, we can’t debate two things:

Whether it’s better to be happy than unhappy.

Whether it’s better to be in love or alone.

The jury is in. The tribe has spoken.

Pretty much all of us would rather share a fun, passionate, safe, stable, long-term relationship than to just be happy alone with our work, friends, pets and hobbies.

Pretty much all of us would rather share a fun, passionate, safe, stable, long-term relationship than to just be happy alone with our work, friends, pets and hobbies.

There’s nothing really controversial about this idea until you start to dig into it and see how we don’t necessarily live our lives according to this calculus. To wit:

If Happily Coupled is better than Happily Single, why do you try to convince yourself that you’re actually happier alone?

Take a second. Think about it.

If you’ve ever told yourself the lie that you’d rather be alone, what you’re REALLY stating is that you’d rather be Happily Single than Unhappily Coupled.

What you haven’t done is consider the third choice: Happily Coupled!

Interesting, isn’t it?

Basically, if you – like the rest of us – have experienced nothing but failure in the realm of dating and relationships, your mind takes a shortcut: in order to avoid the pain of getting heartbroken again, you don’t even consider the possibility that you can create an easy, joyous relationship.

You create a false dichotomy between being alone and getting devastated, when the third choice – Happily Coupled – is actually the most desirable outcome.

In other words, you live your entire life in fear of the worst-case scenario, and therefore, handicap your ability to achieve the best-case scenario.

Not anymore.

After hearing thousands of women complain how there are no good guys, how men only want one thing, how impossible it is to find a quality relationship-oriented man, I created an entire program around one question: why you should believe in love.

Believe in Love is laid out in 7 easy steps:

1. Let Go of Your Past
2. Set Realistic Expectations
3. Overcome Negativity
4. Defeat Your Fear of Failure
5. Reframe Your False Beliefs
6. Carry Yourself with Confidence
7. Take Action Now

Each step is around thirty pages long and comes with a few short exercises to help you rewire your mind and get all the tools you need to create lasting love.

Wait — Reading? Exercises? Tools? Why so much work? You just want Mr. Right to knock on your door with a diamond ring – to get happily married without any dating, risk, time or emotional vulnerability.

Sorry, but that’s not how it works.

Praying for a man will not deliver you a man. God isn’t Federal Express.

Not looking for love means only that you will not find love.

No dates means no opportunities for you to make a lasting connection.

Focusing all your attention on work, travel, family, and hobbies means only that you’ll reach the very middle of human happiness: happily single.

Which is to say that until you Believe in Love, you will never be Happily Coupled.

You will never achieve your peak happiness.

You will never have your husband greet you with an egg white omelet and fresh-squeezed orange juice on Saturday.

You will never have your husband surprise you with a weekend away in Vegas and two tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

You deserve to be that happy, but it won’t happen if you convince yourself that your only choices are to be unhappily coupled or single forever.

You will never have your husband comfort you after a hard day at work in which he listens to you vent, draws you a warm bath, and hands you a glass of red wine.

You will never have your husband make you laugh until your sides split while you’re driving to buy groceries for your dinner party.

You will never have your husband give you three screaming orgasms and fall asleep spooning you until the following morning.

You will never have your husband provide you with love, support, and companionship that good men routinely give their wives – a date to every wedding, a shoulder to cry on for every funeral, a best friend for everything in between.

In short, you will never reach the heights of what’s possible in life.

You deserve to be that happy, but it won’t happen if you convince yourself that your only choices are to be unhappily coupled or single forever.

There is a third way – a better way to live life – and I’m going to help you get there.

To celebrate Valentine’s Day, this week I am offering you my favorite program, “Believe in Love – 7 Steps to Letting Go of the Past, Embracing the Present and Dating with Confidence,” for 50% off of the regular $147 price.

Just click here, put in promo code VDAY2016 during checkout, and enjoy having your whole world turned around in less than a week.

Believe in Love contains an eBook, a workbook, an audio, three value-added bonuses and a 90-day 100% money-back guarantee.

This sale only lasts through Sunday, February 14th at 11:59pm PST so act now.

I can’t wait to hear how much better you feel when you’ve gone through my 7 steps and can say, with a straight face, how much more confident you feel about your relationship prospects.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Elizabeth is a former client who sent me this email just this morning. I think it’s a perfect reminder of why you need to “Believe in Love.”

I so enjoyed reading all of your materials. Even at the time, I recognized I was learning a lot, and more importantly, gaining a new perspective on how to approach dating again after my 15-year marriage ended. I had to kiss a few more frogs that year, but don’t worry – there is a happy ending to this story!

Almost exactly two years later, I met a wonderful guy on Match by following what I learned in your programs. He pursued me from the start, has always treated me wonderfully, and very quickly he became my best friend and the love of my life. And almost exactly three years later, I am writing to say that we are engaged to be married in July of this year. I have others to thank, of course, including good friends who gave good advice.

But Evan, I really feel you deserve the largest share of the thanks for creating and maintaining a truly wonderful program that helps us get out of our own way so we can actually enjoy dating and relationships again. I especially appreciate how you have made your materials accessible to people from all walks of life so there’s something available for everyone who is open to learning.

So now I finally understand what you have said about how worthwhile it is to keep trying and never give up on finding love. If this 50 year-old divorced woman can do it (and I know you work with people of all ages) then pretty much anyone else can do it to, if they set their minds to it.

Anyway, I hope this email reaches you, with my sincere thanks and best wishes for health and happiness to you and your lovely family,

Elizabeth

This is what happens when you Believe in Love.

Click here to learn more and don’t forget to put in VDAY2016 on the checkout page to get 50% off.

The post Why Some Women Find Love and Others Do Not appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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5 Harsh Truths That’ll Help You Find Love This Year

You’ve seen this before. But just because you’ve seen this before doesn’t mean you considered it in the context of dating and relationships.

The piece is called “Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person” by David Wong and it’s been viewed nearly 24 million times.

Today, I want to take those (five of those) six truths and apply them to your love life. I may not be the most original writer, but no one is better at turning anything into a dating metaphor.

1. The World Only Cares About What It Gets From You

Feel free to substitute the gender of your choice for “the world.” Men and women constantly complain about being single, and, in particular, complain about the opposite sex. “Men are so shallow.” “Women are such golddiggers.” Well, guess what? Complaining about it doesn’t accomplish much of anything.

Your value in dating depends on what you OFFER to your partner.

Your value in dating depends on what you OFFER to your partner. If men want thin, warm, and easygoing partners, it sure helps to try to be thin, warm and easygoing. If women want men who are generous, successful, sensitive and communicative, it sure helps to be that way.

If you’re a female PhD who can speak 4 languages and remodel a kitchen yourself, you are certainly very impressive. But unless he’s looking for a dissertation on the Russian Revolution, a translator for trips to Portugal, or a general contractor, those things provide little value to men. Thus, your “being a catch” is really based on whether men value what you offer to them. And vice versa. All those older men who complain that younger women don’t want them don’t seem to understand that it doesn’t matter if you think you’re a catch for being rich and stable. She’s looking for a man who doesn’t look like her Dad. Case closed.

2. What You Produce Doesn’t Have to Make Money, But It Has to Benefit Other People

Wong did a great job with this in the original article, and he actually talked about dating. Nice guys complain that women like assholes, but never considers that those assholes are providing something that women want. Confidence. Competence. Uniqueness. Excitement. Sex appeal. Those are the things women put up with from assholes that you’re not providing.

Same goes for women as outlined in this famous blog post. Your boyfriend benefits when you make his life easier. How do you make his life easier? You ask him about his day. You laugh at his jokes. You accept him as he is without constantly complaining and micromanaging. You trust him implicitly. You appreciate the many things he does for you. You give him your time, your energy, your admiration, your body. And if you do those things, it doesn’t matter if you’re thin or fat or rich or poor or educated or uneducated – your behaviors are now a benefit to your partner.

3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don’t Do Anything

Says Wong, “In my non-expert opinion, you don’t hate yourself because you have low self-esteem, or because other people were mean to you. You hate yourself because you don’t do anything. Not even you can just “love you for you” — that’s why you’re miserable and sending me private messages asking me what I think you should do with your life.”

Yeah, that’s the harsh part of the 6 harsh truths, but he has a point. Any time someone comes here to yell at me (for being mean to men, for being mean to women, for being mean to you), it’s usually misguided. I’m sometimes snarky or sarcastic in my writing, but my advice is not “mean,” anymore than it’s “mean” to fire someone who isn’t performing at his job.

You want a different result? Do something different. Don’t complain that the rest of the world is unfair to you.

People come here because what they’re doing ISN’T working. I offer advice on how you could do it better. There is never any reason to shoot the messenger. If you don’t like the advice, it just means that you would rather do things your way – the same way that you complained wasn’t working. It’s like you’re burning your hands on the hot stove and I say, “Stop touching the hot stove! Use a glove!” and you say, “But I don’t want to use a glove! Don’t tell me to change!”

You want a different result? Do something different. Don’t complain that the rest of the world is unfair to you. If you ever find yourself in the “men sucks, women sucks, online dating sucks” crowd, the problem is with YOU, not with the rest of the world.

4. What You Are Inside Matters Because of What It Makes You Do

“How many of you are walking around right now saying, “She/he would love me if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!” Really? How do all of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can’t read your mind — they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?”

Men who drink beer and play video games. Women who horde cats and dogs. Men and women who work sixty hours a week and travel 20 weeks a year. Men and women who are relentlessly negative about dating, relationships and the opposite sex.

Why would anyone want to be a part of that life?

You may be a good person inside – I’m inclined to think that you are – even my most bitter detractors. But it doesn’t matter if you’re a good person who believes in God, loves her family, and is generally ethical. All of your goodness is irrelevant to someone who has to deal with a partner who is too busy or bitter to provide warmth, joy and quality time.

If you’re the CEO of your own love life and nobody has committed to you, you haven’t created a company where anyone would want to work full-time.

5. Everything Inside You Will Fight Self-Improvement

I’m going to just give you Wong’s text here. I couldn’t say it better myself.

So even now, some of you reading this are feeling your brain bombard you with knee-jerk reasons to reject it. From experience, I can say that these seem to come in the form of …

*Intentionally Interpreting Any Criticism as an Insult

“Who is he to call me lazy and worthless! A good person would never talk to me like this! He wrote this whole thing just to feel superior to me and to make me feel bad about my life! I’m going to think up my own insult to even the score!”

*Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message

“Who is THIS guy to tell ME how to live? Oh, like he’s so high and mighty! It’s just some dumb writer on the Internet! I’m going to go dig up something on him that reassures me that he’s stupid, and that everything he’s saying is stupid! This guy is so pretentious, it makes me puke!

It’s incredibly obvious to me that love is real, love is worth it, and that there are best practices for pursuing love.

*Focusing on the Tone to Avoid Hearing the Content

“I’m going to dig through here until I find a joke that is offensive when taken out of context, and then talk and think only about that! I’ve heard that a single offensive word can render an entire book invisible!”

*Revising Your Own History

“Things aren’t so bad! I know that I was threatening suicide last month, but I’m feeling better now! It’s entirely possible that if I just keep doing exactly what I’m doing, eventually things will work out! I’ll get my big break, and if I keep doing favors for that pretty girl, eventually she’ll come around!”

*Pretending That Any Self-Improvement Would Somehow Be Selling Out Your True Self

“Oh, so I guess I’m supposed to get rid of all of my manga and instead go to the gym for six hours a day and get a spray tan like those Jersey Shore douchebags? Because THAT IS THE ONLY OTHER OPTION.”

And so on. Remember, misery is comfortable. It’s why so many people prefer it. Happiness takes effort.

Also, courage. It’s incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don’t create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created.

It’s so much easier to just sit back and criticize other people’s creations. This movie is stupid. That couple’s kids are brats. That other couple’s relationship is a mess. That rich guy is shallow. This restaurant sucks. This Internet writer is an asshole. I’d better leave a mean comment demanding that the website fire him. See, I created something.

Oh, wait, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, whatever you try to build or create — be it a poem, or a new skill, or a new relationship — you will find yourself immediately surrounded by non-creators who trash it. Maybe not to your face, but they’ll do it. Your drunk friends do not want you to get sober. Your fat friends do not want you to start a fitness regimen. Your jobless friends do not want to see you embark on a career.

Just remember, they’re only expressing their own fear, since trashing other people’s work is another excuse to do nothing. 

Read our article comments — when they get nasty, it’s always from the same angle: Cracked needs to fire this columnist. This asshole needs to stop writing. Don’t make any more videos. It always boils down to “Stop creating. This is different from what I would have made, and the attention you’re getting is making me feel bad about myself.”

Don’t be that person. If you are that person, don’t be that person any more. This is what’s making people hate you. This is what’s making you hate yourself.

And this is why I preach positivity. This is why I run man-haters and women-haters off the boards here (while still allowing them to express their narrow, small-minded opinions.) This is why I have a happy marriage and surround myself with other happily-married people. This is why I have thousands of success stories and more emails than you can count. This is why this site had NINE MILLION readers last year and why I’m starting a podcast and YouTube channel this year.

It’s incredibly obvious to me that love is real, love is worth it, and that there are best practices for pursuing love. The fact that I have to continually bring this up is the only thing that’s surprising to me. So, in 2016, let’s try to see the big picture.

If you’re single and reading this blog, it’s because you need to change something. Choose different partners, give the opposite sex (or the same sex) more of what THEY want, open yourself up to a new way of doing things instead of complaining that things aren’t working the way they are now.

I challenge you to do just that and to insist on looking inward for success instead of casting outward blame. Yes it’s harder, but it works much, much better.

The post 5 Harsh Truths That’ll Help You Find Love This Year appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Should I Tell The Man I’m Dating I Suffer From Sexual Dysfunction?

I am a 40-year old divorcee who’s started to get my life back on track again. I have been seeing this new guy who I met through a common friend. We get along in many ways and are getting closer all the time. There’s one thing that’s been bugging me, it’s that I still haven’t overcome some psychosexual anxiety issue. I just began seeing a therapist who diagnosed that I suffer from vaginismus, a kind of female sexual dysfunction issue (pain during intercourse, difficulty with penetration and not lubricating, some anxieties, etc.). This is also what created some problems in my previous marriage and relationships, which was regarded as a minor problem but turns out to be an important one and relates so much to trauma, etc.

According to my therapist vaginismus is quite a common problem in women and it’s highly treatable but it takes a while. Vaginismus doesn’t affect sexual desire so that’s why I can still be turned on and wanting sex but can’t perform and things get messy when it comes to intercourse. It affects self-esteem, creates miscommunications, misunderstandings, and sexual repression and awkward situations. I used to think there was something wrong with me but my therapist said that it’s a common problem, mostly psychological and curable. I just have to allow myself some time.

I want to take my time overcoming this problem to be fully ready to have more fulfilling new relationships. My question is if things are getting more mutually intimate with this man I am seeing now, should I tell him about my condition? And if so, when and how?

Your thoughts will be much appreciated,
Best
Sarah

Sarah, sorry to hear you’re suffering from this. You suggested that you suffered from trauma, so hopefully, your therapist is trained to help you work through that. Alas, I am not.

What I can tell you is that – as you probably know – there are plenty of resources for women who have this condition. One glance at Wikipedia or Vaginismus.com and you have a wealth of information that can help you create and maintain a healthy, normal, sexual relationship. Unfortunately, the jury is out as to the ideal treatment –

You can not put your deepest stuff, front and center, too early on.

For those who aren’t inclined to click links to do their own research, apart from the biological reasons one might experience vaginismus, psychological reasons include:

• Fear of losing control
• Not trusting one’s partner
• Self-consciousness about body image
• Misconceptions about sex or unattainable standards for sex from exaggerated sexual materials, such as pornography or abstinence
• Fear of vagina not being wide or deep enough / fear of partner’s penis being too large
• Undiscovered or denied sexuality (specifically, being
asexual or lesbian

“The three most common contributing factors to vaginismus are fear of painful sex; the belief that sex is wrong or shameful (often the case with patients who had a strict religious upbringing); and traumatic early childhood experiences (not necessarily sexual in nature).

People with vaginismus are twice as likely to have a history of childhood sexual interference and held less positive attitudes about their sexuality, whereas no correlation was noted for lack of sexual knowledge or (non-sexual) physical abuse.”

That was mostly for our readers, Sarah, so they had a little background on what you’re dealing with. As to how to handle it with a new man; I think it’s very similar to most skeletons that we keep in our closets.

You deal with it only when necessary.

This is the main mistake most people make. They are so anxious about their “thing,” they blurt it out well before the other person is ready to deal with it. Guess what? Nobody wants to hear about your suicide attempt on the first date. Nobody is ready to hear that you’re a recovering drug addict after a few flirty emails. Nobody is ready to handle the fact that you were sexually abused as a kid and it’s scarred you ever since. I’m not trying to be callous about the experiences themselves, just clearminded about how most people date.

Your confidence is what the man is going to respond to.

People go out on dates to have fun, to flirt, to connect, to see if there’s enough there to come back for a second date. You can not put your deepest stuff, front and center, too early on.

You make sure he’s emotionally invested in you before you bring it up.

If you’ve been dating for a month. He’s taken you out 7-8 times. He’s calling/texting every day. He’s talking about taking his profile down. He’s hinted about a future. He’s rounded the bases and is headed for home… well NOW it’s time to have the conversation with the guy. He likes you. A lot. This gives you a lot more leverage than if he’d just met you 20 minutes ago.

You handle it in a matter-of-fact way that indicates that you have this under control.

This is a big one and I’ve written about this in before in a post about herpes. If you make a HUGE deal about this, you’re sunk. “Brad, sit down. We have to talk. I know you’re going to hate me for this, but…” You’re not dying. You’re not breaking up with him. You’re not any different than the woman he’s been falling for. You just have one relevant piece of information that he should know before you go any further. You tell him in 20-30 seconds and you move along. That’s it.

“Brad, I’m so attracted to you and yes, I do want to be your girlfriend. But before we sleep together, you should just know that I have something called vaginismus. Basically, it’s a tightening of the vagina. I know that may sound good to you, but it can make sex a little bit tricky. You’re a great guy, so I didn’t want you to be alarmed if you found that my body wasn’t entirely responding. As long as we communicate, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Any questions?”

No, it’s not a perfect script, but it accomplishes your job. It respects him. It informs him. And it doesn’t make you sound like someone who is perpetually freaked out by her condition, nor fearful that her guy will be freaked out by it. The point is that you can have a condition and still remain confident.

Your confidence is what the man is going to respond to. Good luck.

The post Should I Tell The Man I’m Dating I Suffer From Sexual Dysfunction? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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