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Chinese Agriculture Minister Visits USGC Leader’s Farm To See Harvest, Build Relationships

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Cellphones can damage romantic relationships, lead to depression

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Legal Matters – Spousal rights and common law relationships explained

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Graham says GOP must improve relationships with minorities, middle class

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Lindsey Graham says GOP must improve relationships with minorities, middle class

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I Have a Great Relationship But Something’s Missing. Should I Hold Out For Something Better?

How do you know if a girl is the one? As a guy, do you get swept off your feet like a girl does or is it more logical?

I’ve been dating a girl for three years. When we first met it was long distance and I fell for her pretty deeply. But then after 6 months of her living in the same city (about a year later), I started to have doubts.

She’s probably the best person I’ve ever met. She is the most genuine kind person and we are very compatible in whatever we do together. But at the same time, she’s probably a 7.5 and I’m constantly pulled to “trade up” for a hotter girl. I dated lots of hotter girls before dating her but because they were long distance an attraction wasn’t the biggest issue.

I think it’s because I never feel like I’m excited with her. We get along, but I’d rather be out on the weekends with my friends than with her because she and I just do/talk about the same things we always do. I think we’d make a great long-term couple, but I feel like there may be something missing.

But, I can’t decide if I feel like there’s something missing because I’m irrationally pulled by hotter girls I know I can get (who may not be as kind-hearted and good for me), or if I’m actually settling. I don’t know if I should logically choose the good match or hold out for a relationship where I feel like nothing is missing.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks,
Matt

Matt,

Your question doesn’t reveal your age, but I’m going to guess 26 because you referred to your girlfriend as “a girl” instead of a woman.

At 26 you may or may not have had a lot of dating or sexual experience. At 26, you may or may not have had any career success. At 26, your brain has finally finished maturing. Which is to say that you have experienced as much as one can experience in five years post-college – and that’s not very much. Which is why I’m far more sympathetic to your question than when I get the exact same thing from a 57-year-old woman, who, presumably should know a little something about how love works.

So, “as a guy, do you get swept off your feet like a girl?” Sure, you CAN get swept off your feet. It just means that you’re not thinking very clearly. You’re treating those first-year “in love” feelings as if they were indicators of a future, and they’re not. I got swept off my feet in both 2003 and 2004. One girlfriend dumped me in 6 months. The other dumped me in 3 months. Long story short: I do believe you can tell when someone is WRONG for you, but it’s a lot harder to tell when someone is RIGHT for you. That’s what you’re going through right now. This is actually healthy.

That’s right: healthy. Now that the chemical haze of lust has worn off (as it always does), you can finally see your partner for all that she is. And what do you see, Matt? “She’s probably the best person I’ve ever met. She is the most genuine kind person and we are very compatible in whatever we do together.”

You can tell when someone is WRONG for you, but it’s a lot harder to tell when someone is RIGHT for you.

Yeah, that sounds a lot like the way happily married men describe their wives. The problem is that something is “missing.” In your words:

“I can’t decide if I feel like there’s something missing because I’m irrationally pulled by hotter girls I know I can get (who may not be as kind-hearted and good for me), or if I’m actually settling. I don’t know if I should logically choose the good match or hold out for a relationship where I feel like nothing is missing.”

Put it this way, from a guy who asked himself the same embarrassing questions 7 years ago:

You will ALWAYS be irrationally pulled by hotter girls who are not as kind-hearted and good for you. You will age. Your wife will age. Those girls will never age. You can appreciate their beauty from afar the way you’d appreciate a rainbow. Just know that you can’t build a life with someone if you’re constantly trying to trade up. If you want the Hugh Hefner life, that’s your business. Feel free to cycle through new hotties every six months until you die. But if you’re looking to build something significant and permanent, you’re exactly where you need to be.

Are you missing out on dozens of exciting new women that you could theoretically “get”?

Absolutely.

Life is about tradeoffs. By staying in this relationship, you’re sublimating your libido and ego to build a life with someone. It’s what most married men do.

Will pursuit of those women make you happier than staying with your amazing girlfriend?

I highly doubt it.

Life is about tradeoffs. By staying in this relationship, you’re sublimating your libido and ego to build a life with someone. It’s what most married men do. By junking your relationship, you can pull another woman who may be more attractive – and may even be just as nice – but in three years, you know what? You’re not going to be excited by her either. The same way you’re not excited about your “new car” after it’s been in your driveway for three years. That’s just the way it goes.

So if you need to sow your wild oats, I wouldn’t be judgmental in the least. I’m just letting you know that if/when you decide to get married, it’s going to look EXACTLY like the relationship you have today. The only question is whether you’re going to marry your current “7.5” girlfriend or the next “10” who, after 3 years, also turns into a 7.

The post I Have a Great Relationship But Something’s Missing. Should I Hold Out For Something Better? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Susan Cottrell wrote True Colors to help LGBTQ people heal relationships with parents, family, others

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Even Millennials Fall Into Traditional Roles

Good news: the youngest generation of adults is the most egalitarian generation of adults. Gender roles have gotten blurrier, the restrictions on women working and men helping around the house have been discarded, and there are undoubtedly more “equal” marriages than ever before.

At least in theory.

In practice, women are still more likely to handle domestic and child-related activities within millennial marriages. According to a study in the American Sociological Review, “men and women, ages 18 to 32 have egalitarian attitudes about gender roles, across education and income levels. But when faced with a lack of family-friendly policies, most fell back on traditional roles.”

The article attributes this partially to policies that give women maternity leave, while men don’t get paternity leave – nor are they willing to take it in most instances.

What I found even more interesting was how people’s perceptions changed after having kids.

Gender roles have gotten blurrier, the restrictions on women working and men helping around the house have been discarded, and there are undoubtedly more “equal” marriages than ever before.

“Only 35 percent of employed millennial men without children said they thought men should be breadwinners and women should be caregivers…But of millennial men who were already fathers, 53 percent said it was better for mothers and fathers to take on traditional roles.”

“It’s not that they’ve thrown over their ideals, it’s just enacting those are much harder given the workplace and cultural structures they’re encountering,” said Pamela Stone, a sociologist at Hunter College.

Makes sense to me. I firmly believe that men and women can do whatever they want. My wife had the option of continuing with her job of 16 years. She started with 3 months maternity leave, got a 3 month extension, and then declared it “eternity leave.” We’re fortunate that she gets to do what she wants and I get to do what I want.

But for young couples who can’t afford to live on one income and can’t afford a nanny, someone is most likely going to have to sacrifice his/her career for the good of the family. So far, that sacrifice continues to be made by women, as only 8 percent of millennial men are taking on primary child care responsibilities.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

The post Even Millennials Fall Into Traditional Roles appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Napier polytech counsellor had relationships with former clients

… . A polytechnic counsellor who had relationships with two former patients behaved … had been unaware of the relationships and was not liable for …

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Sonam Kapoor doesn’t want to go public about her relationships

… will never talk about my relationships in print. I don’t … completely against talking about my relationships to the press because I … will never talk about my relationships in print. I don’t … completely against talking about my relationships to the press because I …

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Sonam Kapoor doesn’t wants to go public about her relationships

… will never talk about my relationships in print. I don’t … completely against talking about my relationships to the press because I … will never talk about my relationships in print. I don’t … completely against talking about my relationships to the press because I …

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UTMB receives funding for healthy relationships program in Houston-area schools

… media, form and maintain healthy relationships and resolve conflicts without violence …

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Helping your kids look cool in school hurts their relationships

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Thriving in College: The Power of Relationships

… college experience starts with student-faculty relationships. As Dan Chambliss and Christopher … and local community members. These relationships are important sources of internships … of success is fundamentally about relationships. We need public policies, strategic …

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Adult coloring books reduce stress, strengthens relationships

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Relationships: What constitutes a 'service animal' these days?

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'Once Upon A Time' Season 5 Update: Emma Swan To Become The Dark Swan, Show Will Explore LGBT Relationships

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U-M launches Detroit study on social relationships, forgiveness

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My Boyfriend Has Turned Into a Cold Fish. What Can I Do Save Our Relationship?

I have a baffling dating problem that none of my friends can figure out either. I’ve been dating a great guy for almost 3 years. He was very (almost excessively) hot and heavy for me for about a year and he wanted me and my kids to move in with him. I told him to wait one year, and if he asked me again I would say yes. Anyway, he acted rejected but I did everything I could to show him I cared and wanted to keep dating. He became a cold fish, he hardly visits anymore, doesn’t include me in his family’s plans as much. Everything pointed towards a break-up, except that he calls multiple times a day to “check in”. His personality is aloof and cultured, he makes everything into an ironic joke, and he will not say he loves me. He has the personality, looks and success to get another girlfriend very easily. Instead of breaking up, he just buries himself in work, and keeps me hanging on. I don’t know where I stand, but he gives enough attention to keep me hoping and guessing. His mother seems to think we’re getting married. I can’t tell if he’s just weird, or if he doesn’t like me. I’m the new wife in that old movie Rebecca, where she is in suspense all the time. I can’t imagine breaking up, because he’s still the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. My hot and heavy boyfriend has turned into a cold fish. Love to hear your advice.

~Bernie

I don’t know how many of these questions I need to get until every woman on the entire Internet never has to ask it again, but here goes:

You have an out-of-town “boyfriend” who hasn’t been nice to you for TWO years.

Your “boyfriend” isn’t a good catch just because he’s cute, successful, and charming.

This, you claim, is the “best boyfriend” you’ve ever had.

You want to know how to get him to be nicer to you and commit to you.

Sorry, but you don’t.

Your “boyfriend” isn’t a good catch just because he’s cute, successful, and charming.

Yes, I’m sure he can find another woman to mistreat quite easily. But that doesn’t justify keeping him in your life, does it?

You seem to have the false impression that you’re going to get the guy from the first year of your relationship back. Uh uh. He was an illusion. You’re currently seeing the “real” version of him.

The second you get rid of him is the second you can find a guy who does the most important things you need in a man: cherish you, treat you like a priority, and commit to you forever.

Selfish, aloof, cold, distant, rude, dispassionate, ambivalent.

And you want to lock that in for the rest of your life?

Bernie, please. Your boyfriend SUCKS. The second you get rid of him is the second you can find a guy who does the most important things you need in a man: cherish you, treat you like a priority, and commit to you forever. This guy is a waste of your time.

The post My Boyfriend Has Turned Into a Cold Fish. What Can I Do Save Our Relationship? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Related posts:

1. Am I Too Cold For Love?
2. My Boyfriend Is Turned Off By My Hairy Legs.
3. My Ex-Boyfriend Recently Contacted Me, But I Am In A Serious Relationship.

     

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Relationships column: Does anyone take sex seriously?

Years ago, I walked to 7-Eleven to buy a pack of gum. It was a quick run so I threw on a pair of old jean shorts, a v-neck T-shirt and flip-flops — nothing fancy. On my way in, a guy held the door open for me and complimented my smile and beauty. I walked …

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Mixed reactions for workplace relationships

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How To Find Peace And Happiness - Award Winning Author Grace Mattioli's Unique Perspective On Relationships Offered In 'Olive Branches Don't Grow On Trees'

… 's Unique Perspective On Relationships Offered In 'Olive Branches … of [a person's] relationships." Grace Mattioli, award winning … at the level of family relationships. Her treatment of the subject …

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Research and Markets: Driving Vendor-Customer Relationships in a Value-focused Medical Imaging Environment in the United States

… . Vendor-Customer Relationships 5.1 Top 3 Value Drivers in Vendor-Customer Relationships 5.2 Additional Value Drivers for Vendor-Customer Relationships 5.3 Evolving Customer-Vendor Relationships into Partnerships 5 …

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LeToya Luckett’s new man is expert at relationships…literally

If there’s a celebrity that keeps her personal life away from the nosy public, it’s LeToya Luckett. But it looks like the RnB singer has a new man in her life, according to B. Scott. Luckett who previously and famously dated Kevin Durant, was thereafter …

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LeToya Luckett Has A New Man In Her Life And He Is An Expert At Relationships…Literally

If there’s a celebrity that keeps her personal life away from the nosy public, it’s LeToya Luckett. But it looks like the RnB singer has a new man in her life, according to B. Scott. Luckett who previously and famously dated Kevin Durant, was thereafter …

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Workplace relationships: Telecommuting is the future but be careful

… many companies and their workplace relationships are expanding all over the … perfect model for improving workplace relationships. Look at it from this … win,win situation for workplace relationships because workers are happier and …

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World domination might not be a stretch for a dating app that’s about relationships, not hookups

… to more than 20,000 relationships and 200 plus engagements/marriages … over the world find meaningful relationships — and the engagement metrics. Namely … . Coffee Meets Bagel is about relationships, not hookups. That’s a … of couples had already formed relationships.

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World domination might not be a stretch for a dating app that’s about relationships, not ...

… to more than 20,000 relationships and 200 plus engagements/marriages … over the world find meaningful relationships — and the engagement metrics. Namely … . Coffee Meets Bagel is about relationships, not hookups. That’s a … of couples had already formed relationships.

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I will never talk about my relationships: Sonam Kapoor

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With ‘The Intern,’ Nancy Meyers Keeps Exploring Relationships

It was a line of dialogue that provoked volcanic laughter, echoed through bedrooms for a decade or two, and announced a distinctive comic voice. The line was: “Now I know what I’ve been faking all these years,” purred by an afterglowy Goldie Hawn to a …

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Gordon Ramsay warns daughter to NOT date a chef because the career can be tough on relationships

Gordon Ramsay has revealed his biggest nightmare - daughter dating a chef. The Hell’s Kitchen’s star youngest daughter Tilly, 13, is a budding television star with her own CBBC show Matilda and the Ramsay Bunch. But the father-of-four said the profession’ …

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Chronic lateness can harm work relationships

Have you ever dropped everything to make sure you were early or on time for a meeting or appointment only to be kept waiting by the other party? I can understand people who might be tardy because of cultural differences in how they view time. But I’m …

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Alison Taylor on relationships: If you won't date people your own age, grow up

You see, the age bracket he'd stipulated for the women he deigned worthy of dating topped out at my exact age. Lucky me. Now, I know it's a bit mean of me to point out that he was bald – I promise, I don't discriminate on such grounds – but, …

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Dear People in Relationships: Stop Saying You Miss Single Life

… chicks." People in long-term relationships tell stories about their weirdest …

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HuffPo Hypes Openly Cheating in Relationships; Calls it ‘Honest Outsourcing’

… case for openly cheating in relationships calling it hilariously, “honest outsourcing … inherently wrong with being in relationships with multiple people at a … , advocating for “open” (read: polygamous) relationships. The Washington Post suggested openly …

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Learning Matters: The importance of understanding relationships

… Carver: “All learning is understanding relationships.” I agree with the sentiment … notion of relationships extended beyond the personal to encompass the relationships of … that learning is about understanding relationships among people, places, and systems …

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4 Questions That Will Build Rapport and Boost Your Relationships

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How to Handle Relationships After Divorce

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Building relationships

… to strengthen connections and develop relationships, today. The event, open to …

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Wolters Kluwer : Financial Services Expert to Help Money Services Businesses Enhance Relationships with Bankers

… help MSBs foster better banking relationships (see also Wolters Kluwer Financial … with establishing and maintaining banking relationships, often times because of compliance … and more mutually beneficial banking relationships overall." Bennett has nearly …

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Financial Services Expert to Help Money Services Businesses Enhance Relationships with Bankers

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Threat at North Fork was made because of interracial relationships; school and football cancelled Friday

… Schools targeted students in interracial relationships. Thorpe said separate, but identical …

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Abusive relationships

Several years ago someone asked me the following question, “I am in a relationship which I am thinking of ending very soon, because my fiancée is trying to control what I say, where I go, and what I do. It seems as if he is trying to take away my own …

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Am I Asking You to Change Your Personality Just to Catch a Man?

I launched Love U in June and it’s been an incredible success. 300 women are half-way through my six-month video curriculum, which walks you through everything you need to know to create lasting love: Confidence, Meeting Men, Dating, Understanding Men, Relationships and Commitment. The women who are currently in Love U also get access to weekly coaching calls and a private online community where I offer dating advice each day. The Community is a lovely, tight-knit place, and the women there are wonderfully transparent and vulnerable, which is about all I could ask from coaching clients.

But, like any relationship – especially one conducted virtually – there was a growing disconnect between me and one of my Love U students, which manifested itself in a long, respectful tirade posted a few weeks ago. I’ve seen criticism of my views from anonymous strangers before, but I’d never before had a client who expressed such great displeasure with her perception of my coaching philosophies.

With her permission, I’ve decided to share the transcript of our conversation, since I feel that it is relevant to anyone who regularly reads this space with the belief that I give men a free pass and try to “change” women. Maybe – just maybe – you’ll be able to see that pretty much all of my advice is universal and is only targeted to women because women are my paying customers. If men were my paying customers, they would get largely the same exact feedback. Anyway… please meet my friend, Olivia.

Evan, looking for guidance here. I feel like I’ve learned some good and helpful stuff in Love U:  moving on, not hanging around if a guy isn’t stepping up, not putting up with jerks, understanding that the guy who ditches me in fact, by definition, isn’t my guy at all, no matter what sort of moony thoughts I may have.

But I also feel like I’ve learned a lot of stuff that just feels almost insurmountable taken in total, and also…a huge amount of effort that will yield…what, I’m not sure.

What I’m saying and what you’re hearing are two very different things.

To wit (and hear this not as angry, but just incredibly overwhelmed):

• I must be attractive, and this is a biologically driven need for men and something I can’t question.  I don’t know, a lot of people say that racism is evolutionary and biological, and aggression and violence are evolutionary and biological but no one says that we should just accept those things or that people shouldn’t be nudged to think a little differently…?
• I’m supposed to not be insecure even though my husband will spend the rest of our married life checking out other women.
• I’m supposed to be confident even though with each passing year I will have less of what he biologically must have to satisfy his drives.
• I have to talk to men in a certain way or they won’t find me appealing.
• I should praise them a lot, even if its stuff that doesn’t seem particularly praiseworthy.
• I need to flirt even if that is unnatural for me.
• I should know how to traverse the sexual tightrope between frustrating them inadvertently or giving them too much too soon inadvertently.
• I have to control the pace of the relationship because they can’t do that.
• I have to understand that whatever they say to me right now, in the moment, may change tomorrow, and that that is just how it is, and it shouldn’t hurt my feelings.
• I should be empathic to their challenges, even if they aren’t empathic to mine.
• I should change my physical parameters even though they’re unlikely to change theirs–because their parameters are evolutionary/biological in nature.
• And I’ll need to keep this up for my married life if I want to remain married.

I’m not sure I can actually do all these things.

It looks exhausting, and no fun.  What is the upside, besides getting laid, since I earn my own living?  Is the man who requires all this care and feeding just to date me a man who can be emotionally supportive? If I have to do all these things to “catch” a man, will I really end up with someone I can be myself with?  Can I manage this without becoming someone I’m not, and without becoming resentful about the amount of effort required?  Its no one’s problem but my own and I know that Evan would say I’m free to give up if I want. I am actually a naturally nice, empathic, kind and supportive person, but it feels like I’m supposed to become the perfect reembodiment of Marabel Morgan, and that I’ll end up with a 3rd grader who wants sex all the time – to use an extreme representation of things that have been said here about men, not of things I actually had thought about men.

-Olivia

My response:

I am about to settle into a quiet evening with my wife but I could not go to bed with this hanging over my head.

First of all, Olivia, I’m really sorry you feel this way. I’ve heard this reaction before, and I will admit, it never ceases to surprise me. What I’m saying and what you’re hearing are two very different things. So let’s just acknowledge that what you feel is real and you’re entitled to it.

Next, you’re brighter than I am, so if I say anything that sounds like the tone is wrong, please forgive me. I’m not talking “down” in any way; just trying to respond quickly to all the things you wrote:

But I also feel like i’ve learned a lot of stuff that just feels almost insurmountable taken in total, and also…a huge amount of effort that will yield…what, I’m not sure.

We’ll tackle whether it’s insurmountable. We’ll also get to the point (love, marriage, happiness!)

I must be attractive, and this is a biologically driven need for men and something I can’t question.

Yes, that is correct. Similarly, women need to be attracted to their partners. That’s universal, not gender-specific.

I’m supposed to not be insecure even though my husband will spend the rest of our married life checking out other women.

That’s right, because he’s chosen you to marry. So why be threatened by the likes of Kim Kardashian on the Internet?

You should be the best person you can be, since you can’t control what anyone else does.

I’m supposed to be confident even though with each passing year I will have less of what he biologically must have to satisfy his drives.

You sort of make it sound like all men must date supermodels or be miserable. Go to a mall. Look around at the couples holding hands. How many look like supermodels? So evidently, people manage to pair up and stay married into old age even though pretty much all of us look worse as we get older. My wife and I are both 15lbs heavier than when we got married. Both of us can easily point to more attractive people. And yet neither of us would consider leaving because physical attraction is only a small (but important) part of marriage.

I have to talk to men in a certain way or they won’t find me appealing.

Yes. Then again, don’t men have to talk to you in a certain way as well? They can’t be arrogant, rude or condescending. They shouldn’t be negative or nakedly insecure. They shouldn’t blather on about themselves without taking an interest in you. It would seem that there are certain characteristics that make all people unappealing, no?

I should praise them a lot, even if its stuff that doesn’t seem particularly praiseworthy.

Yes. Just like you’d want your partner to tell you that you looked beautiful with no makeup. Or that he’s impressed with how you navigate university politics because he’s terrible at such things. Or because you’re better at color coordination than he is. PEOPLE like to be praised and appreciated.

I need to flirt even if that is unnatural for me.

I would think that men who don’t flirt are often considered awkward and Asperger’s-like. Maybe typical engineers or math nerds. Doesn’t mean they’re bad people or bad partners. Just means they’re not going to get as much female attention as a man who conducts himself with confidence and sexual energy. People who flirt are likely to appear more open, happy, engaging, charming, sexual, etc. As such, flirting is a good skill to have. Doesn’t mean you’re sunk without it.

I should know how to traverse the sexual tightrope between frustrating them inadvertently or giving them too much too soon inadvertently.

It’s not that you “should know”. It’s that I’ve attempted to explain how – in successful partnerships – BOTH parties get what they need at a reasonable pace. If a man demands sex on Date 1, he runs the risk of alienating you. If you demand that he put a ring on your finger before sex, you run the risk of losing him. My suggestion is to proceed slowly over a month before having intercourse and most men will stick around. You don’t have to follow this suggestion. It’s just a suggestion.

I have to control the pace of the relationship because they can’t do that.

I’m not sure if “they can’t do that” is the way I’d put it. I would just say that most men pursue sex before they know if they have feelings for you, and regardless of whether they’re looking for commitment, so it’s in your interest to manage things to your own favor.

I have to understand that whatever they say to me right now, in the moment, may change tomorrow, and that that is just how it is, and it shouldn’t hurt my feelings.

Anyone can say the same thing. Girlfriend told me she loved me on Week 2. Dumped me on Week 12. Being “in the moment” is what we all do. I’m just reminding you of this, so that you don’t get too surprised when things that seem promising don’t work out.

I should be empathic to their challenges, even if they aren’t empathic to mine.

You should be the best person you can be, since you can’t control what anyone else does.

I should change my physical parameters even though they’re unlikely to change theirs–because their parameters are evolutionary/biological in nature.

You should act in a way that is “effective” to getting the relationship you want. If you would rather be single for the rest of your life than date a guy less than six feet tall, for example, that’s your business. Just know that only 14% of men qualify. Furthermore, nobody said women don’t need attraction or that men’s parameters are evolutionary in nature. That’s your interpretation. Men are designed to reproduce and crave variety. So are women. But men have more testosterone so they seem to crave it more. Please don’t make attraction into some black and white thing I’ve never said.

And I’ll need to keep this up for my married life if I want to remain married.

Yes. You should keep up being a feminine, optimistic, confident, understanding, self-aware person for your married life – both for your sake and for his. And if you find that your man is not an equal partner, you should get rid of him, ASAP.

It looks exhausting, and no fun.  What is the upside, besides getting laid, since I earn my own living?  Is the man who requires all this care and  feeding just to date me a man who can be emotionally supportive? If I have to do all these things to “catch” a man, will I really end up with someone I can be myself with? 

Here’s the upside.

In other words, my dear Olivia, I have not asked you to do anything particularly unusual. I haven’t asked you to make any colossal shifts. I haven’t asked you to do anything that I wouldn’t tell men to do (if I coached men).

Confident beats insecure. Trusting beats jealous. Warm beats cold. Engaging beats shy. And so on and so forth. Not sure what there is to argue with.

As I’ve said, your reaction to me is somewhat common. It usually comes from strangers who hate me on the Internet, however, not from clients. It seems to me a very negative, glass half-empty, black and white, twisted reading of the coaching I offer, as if I’m asking women to contort themselves into a pretzel to “catch” a man, when, in fact, all I’m telling you to do is carry yourself with a deep reservoir of inner confidence. My guess is that this is the disconnect. If you’re really insecure and don’t think you’re “good enough/attractive enough” for a man, you’re going to have a very negative reaction to my stuff, which is benign at worst and incredibly empowering at best.

Reread everything you wrote and I wrote above. 90% of this applies to men as well. You’re just getting very angry/upset/overwhelmed that I’m telling YOU to be an amazing partner instead of telling it to MEN.

Great partners are great partners, regardless of gender. Love U hopefully points out some of the blind spots and hypocrisies that I’ve observed from women who expect men to do everything perfectly, but aren’t always ideal partners themselves. But make no mistake, if I could make a living doing this for men, I’d do it. Sound advice is sound advice.

Confident beats insecure. Trusting beats jealous. Warm beats cold. Engaging beats shy. And so on and so forth. Not sure what there is to argue with.

Hope this helps reframe things – both for you and for all the women in here who agree with you. I am positive you are not alone, so I appreciate you bringing this up.

All my love,

Evan

Immediately, a few dozen other women replied to Olivia with similar posts.

Michelle:

Men are visual. If they see a pretty girl they will look. Men will approach the most attractive woman in the bar first. None of us can change this. Relationships begin and end. None of us can change this. But if you manage your life as though “Love, what is it good for?” then you will never find a man who will ever inspire you. Who will challenge you. Who will accept you as you are. Water sinks to it’s level. Meaning the men who will be on your level are out there. And no, you won’t have to play at being a Stepford wife in order to attract him and keep him interested. And I am pretty sure if I was a guy, I’d be pretty insulted.

A lot of what men need costs the independent woman so little, it begs the question…”Why are we fighting so hard to NOT give it to them?”…Basically, treat men as male friends and people.  Expect to be respected. Expect to be considered and if that isn’t happening after explaining your standards, you have the right to leave. 

Men have needs. Women have needs. All Evan is trying to teach us is how to communicate ours and listen to theirs. There is no one way street. You must remember this. It’s not us against them. We are all in this together. 

You will have interactions with men who don’t know what they want. You will have interactions with men whose emotional intelligence is extremely low. You will run into men who have no emotional intelligence at all. And you know what else? You will survive them. And meet the men who understand where you’re coming from and want to heal you as you heal them. And be better for it.

Tina:

I feel for you sister! I don’t want to address all your points except to say that men are NOT in LoveU. We are. They are not taking the time to improve their skills at dating. We are. They are not learning what to appreciate in a mate. We are. They are not learning to be better partners. We are.

There are just not enough men that are as self aware as women are. We can find fault in the whole gender, hold out for the “unicorn” of men that gets what we do, or we can accept it and work with what we have. I think we have to work with what we have. OR, we can decide that’s it’s not worth the effort…

Gem:

Think about it this way — you’ll give your ALL to him, and he’ll give his ALL to you. It’s a relationship of constant giving back and forth. A man who only considers his own needs isn’t a worthwhile partner for anyone. Reading Evan’s blog has shown me the number of women who “tolerate” this kind of man, and that’s very unfortunate.

Men looking for love are more accepting of imperfections than we think. Or you can say they’re as “equally limiting” as women, yet in other ways. With height, education, etc. requirements. Most of the population will get married at one point in their lives, so there is something happening, right?

One thing about being around men is that they believe likewise with women. That women expect them to be an embodiment of perfection, and any guy who isn’t in the top 20% of looks, intellect, prestige, wealth, etc. can not find a suitable partner. I’ve met guys who are insecure and worried about not making “The Cut”. They’re not tall, built, handsome, charming, Alpha, etc. enough. And some are rightfully concerned.

What I have realized over time, is that regardless of gender, many are seeking the same thing — love, acceptance, and intimacy. Sometimes, I forget about this message, as I venture into more female-dominated spheres. But when I go back into male-dominated fields, I remember the men too are so incredibly human and diverse just like us.

They worry about their performance in the bedroom, their ability to provide and protect — however it means in modern times. When either of these factors come into question, they wonder if they’re enough to “catch” or please their woman. To find a sense of belonging. Or if they’re “man” enough to be respected.

Women can be a tough crowd to please, just in the same way that men are. Our mate standards for others can be impossibly high, yet we simultaneously hope that someone else can accept our characteristic flaws or imperfections. People — male or female — can struggle with setting reasonable expectations. But the ones who find a real love, are the ones who compromise. Everyone has to compromise in some shape or form.

Clara:

”Being nice is not incompatible with maintaining boundaries. Nice people can voice their opinions, stand up for their beliefs, and even disagree, but nice people do so with kindness and grace. Nice does not mean answering ‘yes’ to all requests. Rather, nice means turning down the requests you cannot meet respectfully.”

I know this is a lot of stuff, but I wanted to print this, in full, for those who were interested, to give some depth and breadth to this never-ending conversation.

I have been a full-time advocate for women for 13 years now, and it kills me when so much of my good-faith, commonsense wisdom is twisted into something sinister.

Admittedly, I only have two broad pieces of advice:

1. If you don’t like the way he’s treating you, leave.  If he’s selfish, abusive, a terrible communicator, or commitmentphobic, dump him now, instead of staying, complaining and trying to change him.

2. If you’re concerned that you may be doing something “wrong” that is causing men to react negatively to you, there are some “best practices” that may serve you well. These “best practices” are consistent whether they’re applied to women or men. In short:

You will attract more flies with honey than vinegar. People want to be appreciated, accepted and admired. People want to feel safe, heard and understood. People like being trusted, not mistrusted. If you want to be understood, first seek to understand. Don’t make your partner “wrong” for having a different point of view. Don’t sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills. Choose high-integrity, low-drama partners based on character, not chemistry.

I’m not exactly sure what’s controversial about that, but, sure enough, some of my own clients seem to think that I’m holding women to a higher standard than men.

It’s just not true.

I give advice on how women can be more effective in dating, for one reason and one reason only: because I am a coach for women.

If I were a coach for men, I’d say the exact same things (and more). But I’m not. So I don’t. Yelling at me for not giving men advice on how to change is like yelling at a vegetarian restaurant for not serving burgers. It’s just not what we do.

I give advice on how women can be more effective in dating, for one reason and one reason only: because I am a coach for women.

Listen, reasonable people can disagree and you are certainly allowed to ignore or dissent with anything you read on this blog. But please: don’t impugn my integrity, cast aspersions on my character, or willfully misinterpret things I’ve written. I work far too hard at providing rational, balanced, objective dating advice based on the Golden Rule than to have my own readers think that I’ve got an axe to grind against the very gender I’m trying to help.

If you made it this far, I appreciate it. You’re a champ. Thanks for listening to me vent. I appreciate your readership and hope that you continue to come back each week to contribute to the most intelligent relationship conversation on the entire Internet.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

Oh, and click here to get notified the next time I offer the Love U coaching program.

The post Am I Asking You to Change Your Personality Just to Catch a Man? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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When Should I Disclose To My New Boyfriend That I’m Divorced?

I am a professional in my early 30s and was married for seven years. I was divorced two years ago and remained single till I decided this year that I am sick of being lonely and the only single person in my social circle, so decided to try my luck at online dating. I want to thank you for the awesome insights you provide in your books and blogs. After reading Why He Disappeared and Believe in Love, I dated with so much confidence and finally started exclusively dating an intelligent, successful, thoughtful man that I really, really like. He asked me to be his girlfriend after a month and I happily said, “yes”.

However, something is haunting me and I desperately need your help. I did not tell him I was divorced. I don’t know how much or when I should disclose my past. I don’t want to scare him away. But when he asked me about my relationship, after a few dates, I told him I was with the same person for 8 years and we grew apart.

I don’t view divorce as my failure. Rather it is a memorable life lesson where I learned how to treat my partner equally and communicate better.

How and when should I disclose my past marriage without jeopardizing my relationship with my new boyfriend?

Thank you again for your guidance.

-Olivia

Olivia,

I appreciate your kind words, so forgive me if I kind of dispense with the niceties and cut to the inherent contradiction in your question.

To wit:

1. “I don’t view divorce as my failure.”

2. “I did not tell him I was divorced. I don’t want to scare him away. How and when should I disclose my past marriage without jeopardizing my relationship with my new boyfriend?”

Evidently, Olivia, you view your divorce as a failure, or at least some sort of personal embarrassment. Otherwise, why would you hide something as integral to your relationship history as a marriage and a divorce?

Your divorce isn’t the problem. Your lying and your insecurity is.

Let’s just take a second to pick this apart and hold it up to you, so you can see what I see:

You say you’ve got a great boyfriend.

But instead of telling him the truth about your divorce (something that you are NOT embarrassed about) you lied to him and pretended you’d never been married.

Now I ask you: what do you think is more likely to upset your boyfriend? The fact that you’re divorced (like 60-70% of people who first got married under the age of 25), or the fact that you lied to the one man who is supposed to trust you the most?

You’ve got it.

Pretty much everyone has a hard time with a partner who has an iffy relationship with the truth.

Your divorce isn’t the problem. Your lying and your insecurity is.

I’m not sure what you’re afraid of – or why being divorced would jeopardize your relationship – but I can assure you that nobody outside super-religious circles judges divorcees any longer. But pretty much everyone has a hard time with a partner who has an iffy relationship with the truth.

So rip off the Band-Aid and tell your boyfriend you were married – and own the fact that the impetus for your lie was your shame and insecurity.

Otherwise, you’re implying that you were worried about him being so narrow-minded as to break up with you for no reason, which is kind of insulting to him, don’t you think?

The post When Should I Disclose To My New Boyfriend That I’m Divorced? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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