GP Clare Nettleton who had two relationships with patients is suspended

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Smartphones take a toll on relationships

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The Power (and the Blind Spot) of Emotions

As a proud Duke alum, I actually look forward to getting the quarterly alumni magazine. Yes, I was featured there once before (many moons ago), but I find it far more stimulating to read about other Duke grads who are changing our world for the better.

Here’s an except from a recent issue, which describes how we can use our rational brain when it comes to dating and relationships.

Scott Huettel writes, “For many decisions, trying to reason through to an optimal outcome is actually counterproductive; that is, people make worse decisions when reasoning about costs and benefits than when using simple rules, or what researchers call “heuristics. Four decades of research by psychologists and behavioral economists on heuristics has produced evidence supporting this claim. Heuristics are, in lay terms, shortcuts used in decision-making; phrases such as “choose what’s most familiar” or “stop searching when you find something good enough.” They use very limited information, tend to be very simple and fast, and often work better than complex reasoning.

Knowing when to use a heuristic and when to use reasoning isn’t always obvious. The most general rule—itself a heuristic!—is that reasoning works best for decisions that involve abstract, impersonal, and one-time choices, like retirement planning. Heuristics tend to work best for decisions that involve tangible personal outcomes with which you have considerable experience.”

You may not always know that a guy is RIGHT for you, but you can trust your gut (heuristics!) to know if he’s WRONG for you.

This is why I say that you should use your rational AND emotional brain in decision making. And why it’s more important to trust how it feels than how it looks to others or whether it matches up with your checklist. It also explains why “Believe the Negatives/Ignore the Positives” and “good relationships don’t make you anxious” are valuable concepts. You may not always know that a guy is RIGHT for you, but you can trust your gut (heuristics!) to know if he’s WRONG for you.

Mark Leary writes, “Emotions are, at heart, functional (and we could not survive if we lost our capacity to experience them). But two features of emotions can be maladaptive. Emotions can override rational considerations of how we should respond and lead us to behave in ways that work against our best interests. Angry outbursts, fearful inhibitions, jealous rages, or desperate actions seem at times impossible to control, as if we have been possessed by a powerful demon we are powerless to oppose.

In addition, emotions sometimes arise from our own thoughts even when nothing is objectively wrong at the moment. How many of us have tied ourselves into knots of anxiety while lying safe-and-sound in our beds, worrying about things that might never come to pass? When we work ourselves into strong emotional states through self-thought, we suffer unnecessarily at our own hands.

It’s not that emotions are bad; it’s that it can be detrimental to be blindly guided by emotion and to assume that because you feel something that it’s either “right” or “real”. Often, it’s neither.

Although few of us are masters of all of our emotions, some people manage their emotional life more successfully than others. Recognizing that emotions must sometimes be ignored and must often be controlled is the first step. Not all emotional reactions are rational or in one’s best interests, so intelligent living requires us to manage our emotions.”

So if I ever sound too “rational” or like I’m playing devil’s advocate on behalf of men, this is why. Emotions cloud our judgment and are more subjective than objective. When you assume the worst in men and dating, it’s coming from an emotional place and you end up with these type of cognitive distortions. It’s not that emotions are bad; it’s that it can be detrimental to be blindly guided by emotion and to assume that because you feel something that it’s either “right” or “real”.

Often, it’s neither.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

The post The Power (and the Blind Spot) of Emotions appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child?

Hi Evan, I am a 39 year old widow with three young boys (ages 3, 6, 9). I am currently in a relationship with a great man who has two kids of his own full time, a daughter (6) and a son (8). My dilemma is that his son is special needs, non-verbal autistic and will likely never live independently, only possibly in a group home as a young adult in his early 20s. Raising him will very likely be quite difficult and stressful. It will be life changing if I choose him as a partner, for me and my boys. I enjoy the freedom I have to travel and enjoy my kids, and this would all change very drastically. The man is great…consistent in how he treats me, loving, kind, and generous. If it weren’t for his son I would continue the relationship and see where it leads. But I am having a lot of anxiety about the possibility of committing to him and his child long term. I know my boys are young, but they will be independent men one day. Am I being selfish or shallow in my fear of this undertaking? Is this a valid reason to keep looking for a different partner? I really hope to hear from you. Thanks so much for your time.

Christie

Thanks for asking such an honest and challenging question, Christie.

One of the things I’ve learned over thirteen years of giving advice is this: if I ever dare suggest that someone is entitled to not want to date you, I am perceived as an insensitive asshole.

If I tell a woman that it’s okay for her not to marry the penniless, 46-year-old, always-between-jobs Peter Pan guy, then those guys will feel I’m denying their basic humanity, when, in fact, all I’m doing is letting the woman know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea that she will not have to financially support.

I caught a lot of flak for this post, in which I empathized with a woman who suffers from debilitating depression, but let her know that men were perfectly entitled to choose a healthy, normally functioning partner instead.

If you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve.

In other words, I’m a realist, not a moralist.

Is it fair that women discriminate against short men? Men discriminate against heavy women? Women discriminate against Asian men? Men discriminate against black women? Everyone discriminates against older people?

No, but then again, life isn’t fair. A man is allowed to not want to date a 400lb woman if he doesn’t find her attractive. A woman is allowed to not want to date a guy who looks like her father if she doesn’t find him attractive. I’m not even sure how we can argue otherwise.

Which is just my long lead-in to suggest that your concern about the effects of an autistic child on your life is entirely reasonable. In fact, if you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve.

A quick Google search reveals that the annual cost of autism therapy can exceed $40,000 to $60,000 per year and that the lifetime cost to support an individual with autism is greater than $3.2 million. Do you think subtracting that from your bank account might have an effect on you? Do you think that the all-encompassing time-intensive nature of caring for an autistic child might impact your relationship, quality time, siblings, vacations, sitters, and sex drive? You bet.

Listen, my wife has a cousin who is wheelchair-bound with MS and has a supportive partner. I got an email from a reader the other day who found a great guy although she’s blind. I helped another client fall in love and have a baby even though she’s paralyzed from the waist down. I have a friend in Los Angeles who was born with no legs and is happily married. There is a lid for every pot. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be the lid, Christie.

When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot.

It was fair of me not to date a former drug addict I met online. I was right to have concerns about my wife when she was $40,000 in debt. When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot. We can parse and say that it’s not someone’s “fault” for being depressed or having an autistic child. But it doesn’t really change the gravity of the situation for the person who is taking on a loving person’s challenging situation.

God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff. Don’t beat yourself up if you decide that, no matter how much you love this man, this isn’t the life you want.

The post Am I Selfish For Not Wanting to Date a Man with a Special-Needs Child? appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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Video: Former radical says positive relationships saved him

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Ashley Madison: Not Just Immoral, But a Total Scam as Well

I know I’m late getting to this, but I did want to weigh in with a tiny bit of schadenfreude.

So, Ashley Madison, dating site for married people (slogan: “Life is short. Have an affair.”) has been hacked and their database was revealed. People who are far smarter than I am pored through it and determined a few things that are pretty mindblowing for a site that was supposed to connect married male cheaters with married female cheaters:

That is a scam, pure and simple.

It was pretty much just a bunch of men who were writing to fake accounts. Those fake accounts were created by Ashley Madison to convince those male cheaters to continue spending money, given that there were no actual women on the site.

There were supposedly 31 million accounts for men and 5 million for women, BUT:

• Only 1,492 of the women in the database had ever opened their inbox to check their messages on the site. That’s compared with more than 20 million men.
• Only 2,409 of the women had ever used the site’s chat function, versus more than 11 million men.
• Only 9,700 of the women had ever responded to a message from another person on the site, versus almost 6 million men.

That is a scam, pure and simple. Ashley Madison created the illusion that there were lots of married women open to extramarital affairs via the Internet, and, in fact, there were not. I’m not sure which is more scary: that there are infinitely more male cheaters than female cheaters (so much for men and women are “the same”) or that Ashley Madison could make $150M/year on a business that didn’t deliver on its promise, since virtually no women were on the site to consummate these affairs.

I’m against hacking, in general – I believe people deserve to have their privacy – but I do think it’s a just comeuppance for Ashley Madison. They may not have created the market for cheating men, but they certainly monetized it.

Your thoughts, below, are appreciated.

The post Ashley Madison: Not Just Immoral, But a Total Scam as Well appeared first on Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

Related posts:

1. Have You Ever Been Kissed By a Total Stranger Without Warning?
2. Facebook – The Source of All Future Infidelity?

     

Related Stories

• Cheating Is Genetic
• I Hooked Up with My Boyfriend’s Buddy While On a Break.
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